Chop Suey
by Subversive Beauty
Summary: Let's see. Duo's POV. Character Death. Suicide, Rape, Pinch Of Yaoi, Swearing, SongFic. Enjoy. *~*


Chop Suey

By Lita Maxwell ~ Devil's Child

*Wake up,  
Grab a brush and put a little (makeup),   
Hide the scars to fade away the (shakeup)  
Hide the scars to fade away the,  
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?  
Here you go create another fable*

It is a fact that I have come to terms with death and it is a term that prompted me to take up my alias. My alter ego.

Shinigami. Death Re-crenate.

Death not only to the enemies that block my way to those around me as well. It seems strange, but besides death, I have nothing. Without death, I would not have the four teammates that are the closest thing I have to friends. Without death, I would not have my beloved Deathscythe and the position it puts me in to end this meaningless war. Without the deaths of Father Maxwell and sister Helen, I would not of became a Gundam Pilot and without the death of Solo, I never would of known the Father and Sister, and consequently surely have been another death on the streets of L2. How appropriate for one to become Death when one's whole life has been the result of it.

I looked out the window. It was dark and cloudy, like when Father Maxwell and Sister Helen and Solo died. When it's dark and cloudy, I always think of my past and get depressed. Then I go and get drunk off my ass and do something stupid. Like the last time I was drunk. I got back at Quatre's place around midnight and I could barley walk without falling. Trowa and Quatre were sleeping on the, living room couch. Trowa held Quatre in his arms, showing how the blond pilot had changed him. I looked around, trying to find where the other pilots were hiding.

Since it was so dark, I couldn't see the figure curled up in one of the chairs. It got up and walked towards me. I tried to move away from him but I tripped on something – I found out later that it was hairbrush – and he caught me. It was Heero. We stared at each other for a few minutes, and in those minutes I felt as though I really was the merry jester. I felt as if there was no pain in my past, that there will never be pain again. Heero pulled away and picked me up so he could carry me to my room. He set me down right out side my bedroom door and I did the most stupid thing I've ever done. I kissed me … on the lips… with as much passion I dared to use. I was going to pull back and tell him I didn't know what I was doing when he kissed me back. Our kiss lasted about ten minutes. When I pulled back I saw that his stupid "Perfect Soldier" mask was filing and we both knew it. So he turned and walked away.

I'll never do that again. That was the dumpiest thing I've done.

Damn it. I'm in a darker mood than I was. Screw it. I'm going to get drunk tonight. I grabbed my favorite leather jacket and walked out of my room. I ran into Quatre while I walked down the stairs. "Is everything alright, Duo?" He asked. I flashed him my best grin. "I'm fine, buddy! I'm gonna go out and well… I dunno! Party or somethin'." I told him as I bounced out the door. I know Quatre wanted to follow me but didn't and I'm glad. He would never have been prepare for what happened that night. Once the door was shut, I heard this voice – well, more like many voices that formed one – in my head. It told me to be careful, to watch my step. If only I had listened.

*You wanted to,  
Grab a brush and put a little makeup,  
You wanted to,  
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup,  
You wanted to,  
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table,  
You wanted to, *

It was around 9P.M. I was sitting in one of my favorite bars. I had a few beers, shot glasses, a bottle of Vodka and some other stuff. I was drunk and I wanted to die.

The bar tender wouldn't give me another drink so I started saying every cuss word I knew. I soon found my sorry ass, sore and in the alley way behind the bar. "Well, FUCK YOU TOO!!!" I yelled, even though the guy couldn't hear me. I started walking through the alleyway.

For some reason I started to think about my life again.  "I killed so many people and hurt so many that aren't even dead. Why couldn't I just of died during the war? Why couldn't the flames that consumed my home, consume me too? Why do I have to wear this fucking jester's mask?" I asked the darkness around me. It didn't answer. It never answers. It only gets colder. Something was wrong. I could feel it.

I took the bottle of Jack Daniel's, that I stole, out of my jacket and emptied the bottle. I threw it against the wall and watched as it shattered. The smell of smoke was all around me. Garbage and rats were everywhere. "Where I belong," I whispered. The night's air blew by without a sound. The calm before the storm.

I started to think about death. My death, Soldiers' death, everyone's death. Since I hate life so much, why don't I die? You wanted know why? I have to end my life myself. Maybe…

*I don't think you trust,  
in, my, self righteous suicide,  
I, cry, when angels deserve to die, Die, *

"What do we have here?" A guy said behind me, voice dripping with sarcasm. The guys behind him started to chuckle. "Look at the little girl. She seems lost." One teased. I stopped and swung around to face the leader, braid swinging. "One. I'm not lost. Two. I'm not a girl. So, go fuck off." I turned around and started to walk away from them. 

But the gang surrounded me. "A boy, huh? Even better." The guys were big, ugly and downright dump. I could take care of them easily. I've been in over my head back in the war and I'm still here. These guys will go down easy. Just one problem. I was throw against a wall, arms behind my back. Since I was drunk and the wanting to die didn't help me one bit. "We're going to break this pretty little boy." The guy leaned in closer, sending chills down my spine. "I'm gonna put my cock in you and rape you to a bloody pulp, kid. I'll make it so you can never fuck anyone for as long as you live. Which won't be long. Trust me." The guy whispered.

My once beautiful violet eyes clouded over, skin pale. No emotion passed my face as a huge dick plunged into me with no mercy. I would never forget that pain. It hurt more than a bullet wound. The constant ramming made me wish he would kill me right then and there. Finally, my Shinigami instincts kicked in. And now those guys would pay.

Somehow I pushed away from the guy's grip. Pulling my pants back up, I gave the guys a death glare that could probably bring Heero to his knees. I whipped out my knife and launched an attack that left them dead and me all bloody. I stole all of the guys' money and left them. I felt hollow, as if no one could save me from my pain.

I walked around, having no idea as to where I should go. I saw a church and decided to go inside. The last time I was in a church was when I was a kid. I thought I'll be safe here. To forget all of my memories of being raped, of loving and kissing Heero, being a Gundam pilot. Just to remember my life before the church burned down, before Solo died. I sat down in the front pew and started staring at the cross hanging from the ceiling. I know, somewhere, that I will never be able to forget those memories so I curled up into a ball and fell asleep.

_*Wake up,  
Grab a brush and put a little (makeup),  
Grab a brush and put a little,  
Hide the scars to fade away the (shakeup)  
Hide the scars to fade away the,  
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?  
Here you go create another fable*_

Around 2A.M. I wake. As I look around, I find myself still in the church. I sit up as a priest, carrying some clothes, walks up to me. "Here," he said putting the clothes in my lap, "change into these." I followed him to a changing room. I changed out of my bloody and ripped clothes and into a priest's outfit. Luckily it was all black and matched my leather jacket, that somehow managed not to get wrecked. I walked out and threw my old clothes in a trashcan. My cross was outside my t-shirt and he asked me where I got it. I told him Father Maxwell from the Maxwell church gave it to me burned down. He nodded and showed me around. 

That was when HE walked in. I didn't want to talk to him so I turned my back to him and returned my attention back to the priest. But him being Heero and all wouldn't give up and walked towards us. "Duo." I slowly turn to face the guy of my dreams. The priest walked away as we looked into each other's eyes. Violet against cobalt blue. Waiting for the other to break. Wanting to know which one will show emotion first. There was something in his eyes I never thought I'll see in the Perfect Soldier's eyes: Pain, worry, and love, all mixed into one. 

And I gave way to emotion, gave up the mask I made so many years ago and fell. Good thing Heero had fast reflexes of I would of landed on my ass. He held me there for a while then he pulled me into an embrace. He kissed me on the forehead and just held me. "Duo." He whispered. "Let's go home before Quatre gives birth to a cow." He picked me up, for I couldn't walk on my shaking legs and carried me out of the church. I was about to pass out when I saw something. No. Someone. A black-haired beauty walked by. She wore a very short black leather skirt with a matching black halter-top and 5-inch heel boots. She had shoulder-length black hair, maybe black eyes. Then she turned towards us and I saw she had bright green eyes instead of black. She smiled, which revealed her canines were longed than normal. _Vampire._ The word flashed in my mind. _Named Angel._ I chose then to pass out.

_*You wanted to,  
Grab a brush and put a little makeup,  
You wanted to,  
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup,  
You wanted to,  
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table,  
You wanted to, *_

I woke up to find out I was hungry. I quietly walk down the stairs and hear something coming from the kitchen. I walk there and find that me friends are talking … about me. "Heero, are you sure?" Quatre's voice said. "The priest told me." Came Heero's stern voice. "But don't you think he would of told us?" Quatre replied. "Would you tell someone you were raped?" Trowa said. "No." They all said. "Then what should we do about it?" Quatre asked. "I think we should confront him about it and if he doesn't talk, we'll make him." "Heero. I don't think we should use force. Something happened in his life that caused some damage, emotionally and physically." "I'm sorry, Quatre but I have to agree with Heero. If he doesn't tell us then we have to make him tell us." Wufei said. I shook my head. No, this isn't true. This can't be true… 'But it is' a little voice whispered inside my head. I slowly slip out of the living room, up the stairs and back into my room. I lock the door and sit down on my bed. Rocking back and forth for a few minutes. I finally got up and turned on my radio. Some punk rock from the AD ERA came on.

_*I don't think you trust,  
In, my, self righteous suicide,  
I, cry, when angels deserve to die  
In my, self righteous suicide,  
I, cry, when angels deserve to die*  
  
_

I listen to the song for a while before I walked back to my bed. I reached under my bed for my box and grabbed it. I pull it out and take out one of my many razor blades. I get up again and think for the last time in my short life.

My existence is a shell, a gorgeous body and an absolutely dead soul. Funny that as much as I appear full of life, I feel so dead on the inside. I guess that's just one of the reasons why I'm sitting here, ready to cut my wrists, my black, dead soul. Actually it's more like a vacuum, consuming the souls of others. Shinigami? Just a title. As the merry jester, I'm entitled to a title, right? Crazy? No, just tired of life. Tired of death, reaping, taking from the poor and doing it through me.

Oh, Heero. I know you have feelings for me. Try as you might you can't hide them from me. Perfect Soldier, head over heels for the class clown. What a laugh. You don't love me, the sick twisted fuck. You fell in love with an illusion, something I created. Why? …I don't know.

I'm not who you think I am. I'm not innocent; I'm not worthy of even the small scrap of happiness I've gotten. Damn it, enough of this. I'm the merry jester, right? I don't think sad things.

I'm sorry cruel world, sorry for making you blacker then you already were. I tried for a while to brush off my shadows. For a time I thought I could start anew, and be a totally different person. But my heart is just as black as the day I was made by that cold, cruel son of a bitch they call God. I'm not that innocent of a jester. I'm a plague to all I touch and more then that I'm tried of this existence that I am.

Fuck it. I'm cutting.

I turn the volume of the radio to loudest it can get. The blade cuts deep into the skin of one wrist, slicing through the veins quickly. I do the same to my other wrist. And to think I'm the merry jester doing this. What a laugh.

_*Father, Father, Father, Father,  
Father, into your hands, I, commend my spirit,  
Father, into your hands,  
  
Why have you forsaken me,  
in your eyes forsaken me,  
in your thoughts forsaken me,  
in your heart forsaken, me oh, *_

I laugh evilly as the thick red ooze flows out of my cut wrists. This tainted blood of mine. Soon I'll be gone and nobody else will need to suffer. I'm the merry jester, Duo Maxwell!! I'm the mood maker, the guy to cheer ya up when ya down, right? I don't want to hurt anyone else, I just want to die.

I collapse as the feet running up the stairs and down the hall, burst into my last rest place. It's the others. I smile weakly up at them. It's a sad, pain-filled smile and Quatre bursts into tears as he runs towards me. Heero falls to the floor, tears leaking out of his eyes.  He loved my shell so much; he'll give into his emotions.

And I…close my eyes to stay forever close.

_*Trust in my self-righteous suicide,  
I, cry, when angels deserve to die,  
in my self-righteous suicide,  
I, cry, when angels deserve to die. *_

~Owari

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AN: Please review if you like. If you're wonder if I'm suicidal or not, I was. So thanks for reading. *~*


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